Suki ja nai yo!

Pet peeve time again. Ohhhh is this a huge pet peeve. Big. Enormous. Gigantic. Totemo ookii.

Writers: if you decide to write a character who speaks a language other than your native language when you don’t possess even the remotest fluency, either write what they’re saying in your mother tongue with some indicator that they aren’t speaking said mother tongue, or take the time to at least learn the rudimentary conversational basics of their language. Pick up a phrasebook. Take a course. Find someone who speaks both languages and grill them on common speech, idioms, structures, customs, grammar, etc. (usually the best way to get an idea of natural dialect as opposed to formal textbook translations).

Otherwise, you never know when your clever witticism might turn out to be a graphic depiction of your mother’s relations with a gorilla. Or a wallabee. Or the chemical composition of gaseous substances on Jupiter. Don’t just Google it (and please, please don’t use Babelfish unless you want to sound like a cracked-out Swedish hooker trying to order bao in broken Mandarin). Look for reliable sources. Multiple reliable sources, and verify them against each other.

And please, for the love of gods and gorillas, don’t think your readers won’t know the difference. Never underestimate your readers’ intelligence, and never assume that your audience’s cultural background is identical to your own.

I want to say I’m looking at English-speaking authors here, but considering some heinous and hilarious examples of Engrish I’ve seen, English-speakers definitely aren’t the sole culprits or even a large majority – and it’s not just confined to literature. Hell, I think I still own a shirt from Japan that says “Hot Fish Toddy” on the front. I’m sure it sounded cool to the designers, at least.

Although admittedly, I am one steamy mixed drink, and flavored entirely of non-tetrapod chordates.