I have to say this.

This has nothing to do with writing. It’s entirely unprofessional. It’s silly, it’s pointless, it’s probably a little stupid. And now, with that disclaimer out of the way to preserve my dignity and keep me from sounding like a lunatic…

…that had better be at the Chicago Comic-Con, too. And if it is, they may want to post armed guards around it, because you’d better believe it’s coming home with me otherwise. If you hear news of a crazy man who kidnapped Plastic Hugh Jackman, you know who it is.

(Is it bad that I basically imagine Roman looking like a young, pale Hugh Jackman?)

Spock vs. Wolverine.

(Reposted from my LJ and edited for profanity and vulgarity.)

Star Trek: So. Effin’. AWESOME. There were a few things that spat in the face of canon, but it was executed well. The ending/explanation behind a central plot theme had a bit of deus ex machina and really felt like a gaping inconsistency, but it’s my only real complaint. The rest of the blatantly-defying-canon stuff was so entirely forgivable for the wonderful characterization, gripping action scenes, well-done dialogue & scripting, hilarious one-liners, and the fun game of “spot the canonical tribute” as they worked in SO many things that just make you go “squee!” in recognition. The opening scene made me cry; it was extremely powerful and well-done, although the rest of the movie did seem to lack impact in comparison just because they opened with something so strong. There were a couple of spots where the plot started to lose me just because it got so, “Oh, PLEASE, you’re kidding me,” too much glossed, too much rushed through…but it kept redeeming itself.

It’s definitely Star Trek for a new generation, though, designed to tell a story that will appeal to an audience that’s too new for the existing franchise. It reinvented itself with some details changed, and was as much Star Trek as it wasn’t Star Trek. Strict canon-lovers probably love it, hate it, decry it at every chance. I only have one thing to say.

Young Spock? Effin’ SEX.

Now. Wolverine.

Huge letdown. HUGE. The pacing was clunky, the scripting poorly done, the scenes badly timed, the CG godawful, and the physics of certain things so outlandish that you can’t accept it even in a comic book world, where disbelief suspends itself over the gorramn Tonga and waits for the inevitable long drop. There were fewer deviations from canon, but the crimes were more heinous; rather than feeling canon up in a back alley, this movie dragged it out into said alley and [you really don't want to know what was originally here; trust me].

The thing is, I don’t mind deviations from canon. I really don’t. What I mind is when they’re badly done. Star Trek deviated from canon terribly, but it was still a fun, enjoyable movie (albeit a “don’t think too hard about this or your head will explode from the logical fallacy” kind of movie). Wolverine deviated, but it didn’t make those deviations fun. They weren’t exciting, they weren’t interesting, they weren’t anything other than badly-performed attempts at being deep, angsty, profound, or all of the above. I like movies that make me think. I don’t like movies that obviously stage everything to try to force a moment of introspection, but just come off as false. Plus: plot holes, horrible inconsistencies, and far too many moments of “What the hell, why didn’t they/why isn’t there/where’s the mother effin’ ____________? This makes no sense/would never happen!”

The storytelling was just…so bad. Yes, the story was easy to follow, but you shouldn’t have to follow a good movie. A good movie catches you up and carries you along in a headlong rush, swept on the tide of every charged moment. This? This plodded along, leaving you to trudge in its wake, following behind only because there’s no other path to walk.

God, the dialogue was horrible, too. Wholly unbelievable, and there were so many instances of people saying unrealistic things only vaguely related to the topic at hand just to give someone a chance to fire off a pre-planned one-liner.

And Gambit. Oh, Remy…Taylor Kitsch did unspeakable things to you, and wasn’t even attractive while doing them. When I first saw you, I thought you were either Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, or that freak from Clockwork Orange. I didn’t think you were Gambit. I didn’t believe you were Gambit, and you destroyed one of my favorite characters. I didn’t care about him at all, and movies like this don’t work if you don’t care about any of the characters.

Overall, the execution was just entirely flawed for this kind of story and this genre; it smacked of a director who doesn’t know how to tell an action story with heart, and thus just bludgeons the audience with transparent attempts at shallow on-screen character development. If not for a lot of sweaty Hugh Jackman, wet Hugh Jackman, shirtless Hugh Jackman, and naked Hugh Jackman, I think Hikaru and I would have walked out.