Don’t do this.

Wow, has it really been a week since I posted? Feels like an eternity. I just haven’t had anything worth saying – but today, something caught my eye. On Twitter, I follow a user who’s basically nothing more than a feed of all the writing and editing jobs posted to Craigslist in every major city. And as a flood of posts rushed by, I saw this:

Seek Literary Agent (World)

“What?” thought I. “Surely this can’t be right.”

So I clicked. I clicked, and stared in blank amazement – for yes, it was exactly what it seemed.

Seek Literary Agent (World)

Ivy League Latino writer with completed works seeks Literary representation. First Novel is written in the style of Magical Realism; screenplay, television pilot and stage plays are part of the package. There is one short film written in Spanish, as well as a stage play in same. Let’s break into the huge Hispanic literary market. All works have copyrights, and are in professional format.

* Location: World
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: 50% of First Sale, standard fee after

Oh. Oh, lawdy.

Don’t do this.

The scary thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen something like this.

Flat, plain fact: you will not find your agent on Craigslist. Finding an agent isn’t like finding a hookup with someone with compatible fetishes (really? You like to do what with guacamole?), or even like finding a normal 9-5 job. Agents don’t trawl Craigslist looking for new clients; they don’t have time. Anyone on Craigslist claiming to be an agent is either a scammer, a troll, or someone who thought being a literary agent would be “fun,” styled themselves as one, and then went looking for clients despite having no experience, no industry contacts, no plan, and no way of getting their unfortunate clients a deal*.

Agents don’t come to you. You go to them.

They’re too busy handling business for existing clients, dealing with interns, attending conferences, and slogging through the slush of query letters, partials, and manuscripts from potential clients – and when they’re done with that they’re generally off having personal lives, not poking around Craigslist looking for your brand of genius. Don’t expect them to do the work for you. Look up agents who rep your market; resources like AgentQuery, QueryTracker, and the Publisher’s Marketplace are invaluable. Send properly-pitched query letters, according to their instructions; if you don’t know how to write a good query letter, Google is your friend. Find out what kind of writers’ conferences host events suiting your market, attend them, and arrange for face-to-face pitch sessions there.

Take the time to do your research and learn how this business works. Don’t think you’re just going to fling yourself out there, and agents will come running.

Especially when “out there” is Craigslist, where you’re basically painting a target on your back and saying “Screw with me; I’m gullible and lazy, and expect someone else to make my career happen for me.” You’re more likely to find a three-way with a goat** and a purple speckled alien from the planet Grarrwron than to find a legitimate agent.

*There is one exception to this. Once I saw a legitimate agency posting to Craigslist, looking to expand from nonfiction into fiction titles and seeking authors with completed manuscripts. It set off my warnings so strongly that I checked with Victoria Strauss over at Writer Beware, and she confirmed that despite the odd practice, they were indeed legit. Bizarre, and very much not the norm.

**Goats are becoming a trend around here lately. Anyone else find that disturbing?

So now “mainstream” = “white?”

The other day I read a feature spot on a new author (who shall remain nameless because he seems like a nice guy, a good writer, and he can’t be blamed for what’s written about him). In this spot he was described as a “writer of color,” which rocketed my little brown behind right back to 1960 (a miracle when I wasn’t even alive then) and made me wish I could tame my unrepentant waves into an afro so I could be a “writer of color,” too.

The author of the article went on to praise him for choosing, despite his color, to write a character and storyline that broaden their appeal by being “mainstream.”

Let me translate that for you, in case you missed it.

He praised the black guy for choosing to write a white character anyway, because white characters are more popular to a predominantly white audience.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the demographics of the North American reading public. The majority of people who buy books and read for pleasure are of some Caucasian descent; it’s undeniable fact, and a rather sad one at that. While the brown people of the world may no longer be a true minority considering our widespread populations and growing buying power in the middle class market, the hard numbers show that (in North America, at least) most of us just don’t read – so in the book-buying demographic, we’re still very much a minority.

But I thought we’d moved past the race of the protagonist mattering to the reader’s ability to empathize with them, as long as the story is well-written and the characters sympathetic. I can understand a white audience not wanting to read 50 Cent’s reprehensible G-Unit books; I don’t want to read them, and I’ve spent parts of my childhood surrounded by the kind of lifestyle they promote. But cultural differences denoted by skin tone have become either marginalized or more widely accepted in North America, and considering how many people of a rainbow of colors share a similar lifestyle, it shouldn’t be so hard to have a protagonist of some shade of brown that’s still considered mainstream. Hell, I write non-Caucasian protagonists…just not all the time. My characters range the human color spectrum, and I’d like to think both Remilliard and Kensington have appeal despite standing on opposite ends of that spectrum.

Many authors write non-Caucasian protagonists. Justine Larbalestier’s (say that three times fast) main character in Liar is most certainly not white, and it created an understandable stink when the original cover for the novel depicted a Caucasian girl. Yet the story is one that anyone can love, and it’s most certainly mainstream enough to reach a broad audience.

She’s just one example. There are many more, and many entirely mainstream books that feature non-Caucasian protagonists while still retaining wide appeal (Le Guin, anyone?).

So why are we still viewing characters “of color” (are we picking up my disdain for that term yet?) as a detriment?

Eh. It’s only one person, one article…but I can’t help but wonder how many still share that view, and why. Especially when we really need more diverse protagonists that will not only make non-Caucasian characters more mainstream, but engage readers in multi-ethnic markets so there’s no longer such a paucity of us with a stake among the book-buying public. Many authors have taken steps to demonstrate that ethnic characters can and do have widespread appeal; I’d love to see more join them, until our fictional worlds are as diversely populated as our real one.

Insurrection.

Despite my previous growling on the subject, I may be willing to buy into the personification of a muse if only because mine, if he or she exists, is a contrary little cow who doesn’t like to let me sleep. I’ve been turning over a short story idea, as I really want to get past my seeming inability to write them (even picked up a helpful book on the topic), especially since I wanted to put together a submission for the Esquire short fiction contest. I even thought I’d fool my novel-oriented brain into writing short stories by planning an anthology of them, even if I have no intention of submitting a full anthology anywhere and would just send the separate short stories.

Well apparently something kicked my brain in its ass last night – as while I was trying to sleep, ideas started popping up. I really, really wanted to sleep. Really. But no, my creative half decides that 2:30a on a work night is the perfect time to start going off all half-cocked. It started off with a few opening lines on the Insurrection theme:

It started with the beer.

Every day George Hogan clocked out at exactly 5:45pm – and at 6:12, promptly clocked back in at O’Malley’s on Fifth. He punched his time card in peanut shells and pretzel crumbs, and ordered a beer on tap.

Next thing I know it’s 5a and I’ve written some 600 words on various segments of the story, and have almost the whole thing planned out. Just have to flesh it out.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining about suddenly having a workable short story idea when before I was complaining about not being able to write them at all…but dammit, can’t my ideas keep sane work hours?

Suki ja nai yo!

Pet peeve time again. Ohhhh is this a huge pet peeve. Big. Enormous. Gigantic. Totemo ookii.

Writers: if you decide to write a character who speaks a language other than your native language when you don’t possess even the remotest fluency, either write what they’re saying in your mother tongue with some indicator that they aren’t speaking said mother tongue, or take the time to at least learn the rudimentary conversational basics of their language. Pick up a phrasebook. Take a course. Find someone who speaks both languages and grill them on common speech, idioms, structures, customs, grammar, etc. (usually the best way to get an idea of natural dialect as opposed to formal textbook translations).

Otherwise, you never know when your clever witticism might turn out to be a graphic depiction of your mother’s relations with a gorilla. Or a wallabee. Or the chemical composition of gaseous substances on Jupiter. Don’t just Google it (and please, please don’t use Babelfish unless you want to sound like a cracked-out Swedish hooker trying to order bao in broken Mandarin). Look for reliable sources. Multiple reliable sources, and verify them against each other.

And please, for the love of gods and gorillas, don’t think your readers won’t know the difference. Never underestimate your readers’ intelligence, and never assume that your audience’s cultural background is identical to your own.

I want to say I’m looking at English-speaking authors here, but considering some heinous and hilarious examples of Engrish I’ve seen, English-speakers definitely aren’t the sole culprits or even a large majority – and it’s not just confined to literature. Hell, I think I still own a shirt from Japan that says “Hot Fish Toddy” on the front. I’m sure it sounded cool to the designers, at least.

Although admittedly, I am one steamy mixed drink, and flavored entirely of non-tetrapod chordates.

Muse Musing.

I may get flamed for saying this, but…a major pet peeve of mine is when authors personify their inspiration, creativity, and work ethic (and lack thereof) as a muse. It doesn’t bother me when it’s just used as a general saying, but there are some who take it so far as to talk about discussions with their muse, talk about arguments with her, and generally blame her for any creative shortcomings as if they can somehow be excused for missing a deadline or writing a bad story because it’s the muse’s fault; it’s not theirs.

Your creativity is not a separate entity from you. Personifying it doesn’t show how unique and imaginative you are; it shows an unwillingness to take responsibility for the fact that your own productivity as a writer (especially as a professional one) is on your shoulders. It’s one thing for an unpublished author to waffle around with their muse. They have no obligations to anyone but themselves. But a published author has certain obligations; if not to their readers (I think Neil Gaiman covered that point pretty well), then to their agent, their editor, and their publishing house. If your contract stipulates that you produce X number of books in a certain time within reasonable expectations, then you need to grab your so-called muse by the throat and inform her of one very important thing:

This is your job. Whether you’re feeling it or not, you need to wake up, soldier up, and where your creativity and inspiration fail you, call on experience and professionalism. Sometimes you just need to forge through, get the idea on paper, get past the hump, and then come back later to polish it into genius. If this was a nine-to-five job, you wouldn’t be able to say “I’m sorry I didn’t do that presentation for today’s meeting, sir; my muse just wasn’t feeling it.” You’d be out on your arse in a heartbeat, looking for a new job.

Yes, creativity has its foibles; it’s a frustrating thing that I struggle with just as much as anyone else. But frankly the real world doesn’t leave much room for foibles, and doesn’t have much patience when your muse is behaving like a stubborn, recalcitrant child. Meditate. Listen to music. Go out and try something new. Do some research. Draw Venn diagrams of your plot threads. Play word association games. Do whatever it takes, but do something that will kick your arse further down the path to finishing the bloody story rather than just wibbling about how uncooperative your muse is being.

And if the creativity just isn’t happening and you really can’t make it work? Take responsibility for it. Say “I can’t do this right now. I can’t work out the plot thread, I can’t find the words, I can’t unravel this problem.” Because it’s you. It’s not your muse. Just about anyone would understand “My brain isn’t in the right place right now; I need a little more time.” It’ll get you a hell of a better reception than “My muse just won’t cooperate! Can you hold on while I negotiate with her and try to stimulate her?”

I know I may seem like the last person to talk about writing every day considering how often I stray away from my fiction and story-bounce, but the thing is…right now, fiction is my hobby. It’s something I do in my spare time. It’s not my job. Writing resumes and articles – that’s my job. And I do it. Even when I’m not feeling it, I do it. I arrange my schedule as necessary to get my work done on time, making sure that each resume hits its deadline and all my articles are ready every week before my Monday newsletters go out. There are days when I look at client worksheets and not a word of it makes sense. I don’t want to be bothered with it, and I’m not feeling particularly inspired to write what’s basically a two-page marketing piece selling someone to an employer whether I, personally, feel they’re qualified or not.

But I do it anyway, because there are people depending on me. My clients depend on me to help them present their experience in the best way possible, so they can get and keep a job that will keep a roof over their heads and food on their tables. My boss depends on me to produce content that makes clients (and readers, for the articles) nod, smile, and tell other people about it so that the reputation of the business remains strong and we can keep operating and turning a profit, making sure we have roofs over our heads and food on our tables. Hikaru depends on me to pull in my half of our joint income so we can make ends meet and live comfortably without one or the other having to struggle to cover our expenses. These people all depend on me to be professional, whether I’m feeling like writing or not.

So I do it. I do my job. And just as they depend on me to do my job, so too do editors, agents, and publishers depend on their contracted authors to do their jobs and uphold their end of a business agreement. So suck it up, put on your big boy/girl hat, and tell your muse to sit in the corner and shut the hell up.

You’ve got work to do.